Posted by: Molly | February 2, 2010

IRL Dealings & Feelings

I’ve been feeling very guilty lately about an IRL situation with a friend who was very good to me through much of my IF journey.  I sense that she is not on board with the whole donor egg thing and feels embryo adoption is something I should look at first.  I got totally shot down when I mentioned an adoption situation to her.  It was very disheartening to think she was not in my court at that point in time because she’d been so supportive through all my IFV trials and tribulations.  So I’m sitting here struggling with telling her that we’ve chosen a donor and things are moving along at the speed of lightening.  Given she has never struggled with IF do I just gloss this over and put it off as an IVF cycle because she is not going to know what I am talking about anyway?  Or spill all the beans?  I’m not up for being judged.  This is what we are choosing to do as a couple as it’s very important to my husband to use his swimmers so the baby is at least 1/2 of us.  I’m thinking the less that people know the better.  Pretty sure we will share with our children, but in our own time.  Until then I think we are better off keeping this mostly to us – with a few friends in support.  I’m finding more and more than unless you been there and done that you eventually lose some interest and start to not get some things.  Probably goes for lots of things in life – something I need to remember in the future.



  1. I know I have just started following your blog, but this question is soooo close to my heart – telling about DE or not.

    While it may drive you insane, I would NOT tell if you can. I regret every person (4) that I told about DE, not counting my Incredible IF Support Group. Honestly if you just talk about it like an IVF cycle no one will have a clue – I told my aunt we were triggering tonight (donor is) and the transfer is Monday. She is able to be supportive with that. It is hard to not talk about choosing the donor, but now (after 4 cycles) I kind of forget they are involved!

    Good luck whatever you decide – but especially if you can tell your friend is against DE I would pass this off as a “normal” IVF.

  2. I, too, am not telling friends or family (except the child when he/she is old enough). I can picture all kinds of situations where I would regret sharing that info with friends/family before the child is told and not many situations where I would regret holding that info just for the child.

  3. The one thing I’ve heard most about this is that you can’t untell people – once it’s out there, it’s out there. I am firmly on the “tell” side of DE, but until we have a successful pregnancy we are keeping the people we tell to a minimum. In this particular case for you, I definitely would not tell her. We need all the positivity and support we can get, and you don’t need to waste your energy defending your position. Good luck with whatever you decide!

  4. Hey hun
    I know I’m not in your situation so I don’t really know what it would be like but I’d say that I would probably be like the other guys commenting on here and not tell.
    Hope you’re ok. It’s hard knowing that some people are judgmental though so it must be tough on you. xx

  5. We told noone until after I was pregnant of our adopted embryo. That way you have LESS STRESS during the important time of trying to get pregnant. I highly recommend keeping it to yourself until you are comfy in your pregnancy. That was me, i just didn’t want the judgements and stress. However you go, whether its donor egg, sperm or embie. You have to do what is best for YOUR FAMILY and noone elses 🙂 HUGS!


%d bloggers like this: