Posted by: Molly | January 11, 2010

Not an open book

Our ttc life is not an open book.  There are people who know, but we do not discuss it in a group situation – much less with family.  We do not discuss it with our parents, aunts, uncles or grandparents.  A cousin knows.  One cousin.   We had a family gathering this weekend and I had some free time to chat with dear husby’s grandma.  She’s almost 89!  And in good health so quite with it – most of the time.  Dear lady.

A family tradition is stockings that she knits for each new family member.  They are cute and I love mine.  Not sure why she put my “new” last name on it when we got married, but I still love it.  Sidebar for another time.  Some of the cousins who are not married yet have asked her to knit “blank” stockings with no name so if they get married their spouse will have one like theirs.  They even went so far as to ask her to do one for potential great-grandbabies.  I’m fine with this given they are not even dating.  In our case I am not asking for one.  I feel like that it is putting the cart before the horse.  It is still a bit forward for them, but it doesn’t open the door to the infamous question of “when” are you having babies.  For me to ask for a stocking it would open that door and the ability to ask the natural question.  I would then be pestered.  So this weekend I found out that his cousin, who got married a little over a year ago, is buying a house.  She tells me this and then says “then they will be having a baby.”  Huh?  Buying a house does not = a baby.  Big duh for me who has owned a house her entire marriage.  So I ask are they expecting a baby.  She says “no, but his mom says they are going to start trying.”  I sweetly say (biting my tongue really hard) “well that’s wonderful”.  Hear my sarcasm?   She didn’t.  The wife is 36.  A year younger than me.  Interesting for them to think it will happen right away.  This makes my heart ache for them on one hand and on the hand hope they don’t experience the pain we are feeling.  But then again my jealousy monster is jumping up and down and screaming “I hope it takes forever for them too”.  I am pissed.  At them for announcing this to everyone so off handedly and for me for being jealous.  By the way the next baby is the first great-grandbaby for her.  We have been married 5 years.  This is not fair.  So here’s to hoping this DE works fast!



  1. I hate feeling jealous. I hate that IF has made me have those exact dark thoughts about others when I hear their niave chatter about making a baby. Ohhh the ugly truth of infertility!

  2. Sorry you had to deal with that. The thing is they probably will not run into any issues, and they will go on blissfully ignorant of the pain that you and I have to go through on a daily basis. I think one of the things that I regret losing the most through infertility is my innocence – the ability to naively believe that you just have to have unprotected sex to get married.


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