Posted by: Molly | November 24, 2009

keeping the cat in the bag

So I know that many people talk about IF and many others do not – I mean who do you tell and not tell?  For us it’s been a somewhat easy decision.  We’ve not told our parents.  It would then become a topic of great focus for one set and the other set really doesn’t care all that much.  They think we are “fun” – no kids to deal with and a schedule that is freeing.    Probably helps we don’t live near either set.  At some point it will come up I’m sure, but honestly they aren’t going to understand all the procedures, drugs and crap that goes along with it.  Many times I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty and with some they are not going to leave a short answer at that so then things get tense.  Do I wish we’d let the cat out early in the process – NO! 

So onto our friends – they know!  That is freeing because they are in our generation and some have actually been cycle partners at various time.  That’s what happens when you’ve done IVF mulitple times.  These are friends who get it and are supportive.  Weird I know!  One time it was a success and the other time it was not.  When I say friends these are the friends I grew up with or dear husband did.  Newly minted friends are sort of out of the loop so to speak.  It’s just a lot to catch people up when we make new friends – unless of course they mention something about this topic of IF and IVF.

Now my current debate…  do we tell we are onto donor eggs?  One friend does know I think – the others do not.  I’ve talked about where I am going next and she is aware of the program I was looking at.  Do the others need to know?  I’m not so sure I’m ready to get into that little debate yet.  I actually have two dear friends who have offered to be a donor.  How sweet is that?  I’m not sure I’m up for dealing with those pyschological implications.  While we plan to tell our child I’m not sure how they would feel about how we chose this person.  I need to think more about it and really it’s a complication in this whole process given the program we have chosen.  And I don’t even know if they’d qualify.  I’m thinking no?  Maybe?

So what about you?  How do you feel about sharing with others IRL? (In Real Life)  Is there something I should think more about on this topic?



  1. Not sure if you realized that you have your comments set so only people with wordpress userids can put comments on your blog. (I actually signed up for a userid so I could post to you)

    As to your post, I too am pursuing donor eggs and had been thinking a lot about telling. I have been an open book about my fertility struggles (diminshed ovarian reserve, highest fsh of 19.9, do not respond to meds) and will be open about donor eggs as well. We have told my parents and my husband’s dad, as well as our friends that we are going to try donor eggs. We will tell other people (e.g., extended family) later on after it’s successful. We plan to be very open with our donor egg children about their origins.

    This is a very personal thing and each person has to do what’s right for them.

    If you want to follow along with me, my blog is (aka Room in my Oven)

    • THANKS for the info on the comments – I didn’t know that! Fixing it right now! I’m going to come follow you along too!

  2. Hi Katie, Thanks for visiting my blog!
    The dilema of who to tell what is such a delicate one! I’m not facing the egg donor factor just yet but in terms of general IF stuff I am quite erratic with how much information I give people. I find that sometimes I’m in the mood to share and sometimes I want people to keep people in the dark. There are people I have told and then regretted doing so as it can be exhausting keeping high maintenance people up to date on IF things. But then others have completely suprised me and been much more supportive and respectful than I imagined. Your parents may actually suprise you with their response!
    Good luck!!

  3. Hi there,
    i am with you on not telling family; they actually create stress by trying to be helpful and caring. I wish I had told a few less friends about DE because I really believe that it’s the child’s story to share if they choose to. On the other hand, it was such a momentous, fraught decision and process for me that I needed so much support from different sources. The psychologist I used said that there are two criteria: need-to-know basis or support group basis and I’ve found that very helpful. Good luck!

    • Good info… I am continuining to struggle with wanting to tell a few key support people and I’m sure I will – as will my husband. I agree some might need to know so I don’t have to deal with the “their eyes are like yours or they have your toes”. Those comments now strike me as silly and hopefully won’t sting so much. My nieces have my nose! LOL! Not their mom’s. It’s nice come from a family that is not all alike – less questions and comparisons. We have a counseling session next week and I am looking forward to talking with someone and getting some feedback. I love your blog – so much to consider and it’s nice to see how someone else is handling the process.


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